So much has changed in so little time. A very good friend of mine passed away. Just like that. Gone in a car accident. I keep telling myself that I am very fortunate that I have lived this long without seeing death staring me in the face. It's bound to happen sometime. Sometimes I wonder if it makes sense to wonder if he would have been okay had he been wearing his seatbelt.I just have to keep reminding myself that God was ready for him at that precise moment and nothing, be it a seatbelt, or anything else would have stopped God from taking his sould from his body.

I also got a little closure today. ON what you wonder....well I kinda feel relived and sad. Someone again who shall remain nameless is now married with a baby on the way. Why I feel a little sad, I guess in the back of my head at the time, I thought it would be me. but then again, yours truly is not ready for the pitter patter of little feet just yet. It's amazing how smart God is...my heart was broken when he decided to disappear but now I'm beginning to see how wise God is. I would have had to change somethings about myself probably, that I wouldnt' want to. and I would have had to conform to some beliefs that I just don't agree with. one of us would have and me being to nice it prolly would have been me.

I think now, for some sick egotistical reason hoped that he missed me or something like that. I joined one of these networks and we wrote a nice little testimonial...oh "you go girl". felt like a pat on the head. Sometimes i feel a little angry because I let my guard down and let him in in a way that no one has ever since. I feel to some degree that I'm somewhat cheating my current boyfriend of the privelege because I can't seem to let my guard down and I don't know how to do it again. (or don't have the enerygy).

LOL, I swear sometimes I think I need a shrink!! but then this is free and no one sees it and I still feel like it's out there in the universe. This is wws (world wide shrink). LOL

I also found out that my cousin is very ill int he hospital. I pray as often as I remember that he pulls through but I have to keep telling myself that I have faith in God's wisdom whatever the outcome. Even though I'm a little bit of a funk, I definitely do feel better that I did when I started this blog. I just pray that when my time comes, that we will build a happy life together. I remember one thing I told my first love I was most afraid of was Being like my mother.

Ah well, can't be all that bad right? I guess my problem is that with my current boyfriend, as sweet and as fine as he is. I never had that heart skipping experience. with him it's always been easyand comfortable. Maybe I have the worng interpretations of what it should be or look like.