Saturday, November 19, 2005

I must be some kind of masochist

I seem to be on this really weird rollercoaster these days. I know that God has a purpose for me but someitmes, I still feel a little bit lost, even lonely sometimes. I'm in love with a man who isn't available, and I'm not even sure if he loves me. I remember praying to god and asking him to let me know who he was when i saw him. I thought that was Roy, maybe that's why I feel so confused and lost at times. I thought that he was the one sent for me and it clearly wasn't true. So I guess, my faith in my instincts that I believe to be God inspired are a little shaken. I realise now, that I had no place in Roy's world. My spirit is a little to free and too explorative I guess.

Now I'm with Pat, and I have no idea if he's the one for me. Am I nuts? Somtimes I think that I think too much. Maybe I should just stp being so hard on myself. at times I think that maybe I should just stop, and star over. but what would be the point. Start somewhere completely new.
New environment, new people, and then start over from scratch.

I have to keep telling myself, God loves me and is wise, truly wise and is doing what is best for me. all these feelings I'm feeling etc. I have for a reason. I trust that eventually, I figure things out but some reason, I feel lost and sad even though I know that He is there. why is that. Sometimes i think that the depression I feel has something to do with my brain. It's almost like my spirit and mind don't agree.

Sometimes I think or wish that I could just start over completely. New friends, new life, but that would be a cop out. I guess part of my problem is that I'm not completely happ in my relationship. I see qualities that I want in a man in him but at the same time, I stil feel to some degree that something is missing and I don't know what it is. We could continue in a relationship for a long time and be content and probably never fight etc. but at the same time, I would probably allways have in the back of my mind that i settled. Is this true.

Sometimes I think i should just stop thinking so much, do like Denis and just enjoy the art of dating. This is crazy, just when I think that I have come to a conclusion, I fal back into this weird place, where I'm typing to this blog in tears because I'm soo confused and lost. I gues part of my problem is that Pat treats me well but I need to feel like someone's queen. and he doesn't exactly know how to do that.

1 Comments:

Blogger hzdgmg said...

Sometimes its hard to separate what you see o television and in the movies from what is a realistic expectation.

Maybe some people do feel like queens but others get to feel like themselves. Which I think is the way you should feel.

Does God make you feel like a queen?

darwinsmoustache

9:52 PM  

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