Sunday, December 11, 2005

So Yesterday I went to my office Christmas party. It was a lot of fun. I wonder how it would have been if pat was there with me. It's kinda sad that he always has to work and we can't do things together. But of course, as long as decent music is playing, I'll dance the night away even if it's alone which is exactly what I did. I began to wonder the next day with my throat soar from all the screaming etc. Should I be acting the way I did. Would I have danced the way I did with those guys if Pat was with me? Probably not. It's almost like I'm in a relationship that others don'tr eally recognise. I begin to wonder if I'm a party girl trapped. Or is that why I don't party much otherwise I would get in so much trouble. I begin to think, man that stuff I red is right. I do have to continually evlauate and ask God to guide me towards or away from things. I do recognise that I'm not all that. every time I say the F word or the S word, should I be looking over my shoulder and feeling bad? every time I dance with a man, should I feel bad? Pat's never around to dance with me.
today I spoke to this man William who I met at 30th Street station. I mentioned that I was spoken for and he assumes for reason i'm engaged. and he said something. I pray and hope that your fiance has been saved. i know that Pat is Christian, but has he been baptized in water?...prolly not. I have not real idea. I do know that he believes in God. and what little he's revealed to me about himself is admirable. but there is so much more we don't know. We're growing but it's very slow which is okay I guess. I know that after the previous experience, I needed something a little slower. I feel as if I and Pat break up that I won't be so devasted that I'll end up falling in to a state of depression. and it wouldn't take me over a year to get over a few months.

I guess that experience showed me that not every man and woman should meet in the romantic space. jst because things fit, doesn't mean that they were meant to be. Did I love Roy? I syre did and still do but at this point tht love has changed. I love him enough to simply let him be and move on with my life. I guess part of what I missed was teh companionship. Having someone to really talk to. And unfortunately and thatnk God I realised before it was too late, that I have that now with Pat, he may not elicit that head over heels feling but he listened to all the things I had to say and he didn't go nut and question my feelings etc. i almost missed that!

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