We pursued the wrong connection!!

Today I rediscovered the first note Roy wrote me when we met on the train.
He asked to a pursue a connection with me. I guess we should have been smart and figured out what kind. Oh well.

Anyways, my sister gave me a book once upon a long time ago before my knowledge of his existence I think. Anyway, it's called steps to Christ by Ellen G. White. And as usual questions are raised. Man things, I agree with and many questions are answered but like anyone getting to know Christ, it is a constant process. A fun one, like having a class with an awesome professor who makes the learning process and the subject matter fun and you just want to keep learning more and more.

Turns out that this Ellen G. White was and still is a very very influential person in the SDA church. Go figure. I do know that I do not belong in his world now nor he in mine. But now it's like wow, maybe we pursued the wrong connection. We were supposed to teach each other. Discuss and be friends maybe. Oh well...who knows but I am glad that i finally read this book.

I thought this morning to confess to Pat that I have cheated him in ways I still am not aware of. I'm a little scared cause I know how he is. He'll say "that's cool" although he may be upset and angry with me. I guess I'm a little scared that the relationship will change. I'm hoping it will bring us closer and that I can see us in a different light....oh well that's all for now.

Post Discussion

I had a long talk with my dear friend Tiffany last night. She is one of the wisest people I know and I can trust to be honest in her conversations. I'm so closed off to people when it comes to talking about relationships.

We had a long discussion regarding relationships and my relationship with Pat last night. And there was even talk of Roy. She told me something I kinda already knew but needed to hear I guess.

It's kinda weird that you make plans to go places and he doesn't really seem to factor into them. You have to decide for yourself what parameters you need or want in the relationship that will make you happy. If you want butterflies, then go for a relationship with butterflies. I thoguth about it and realised that I need to figure out what I want and need out of a lasting relationship that is going somewhere. I need to go to God and ask him what I should want out of a relationship. What should I desire of my mate etc. to make me happy.

I realised that I am content in the relationship but that is not enough. I need to be happy! A big reaason why I'm still here is because I know that he's trying to improve himself. I keep prayin every night that God will lead me to make the right decision for both our sakes.

I think I need to have a long talk with Pat about where we stand in the relationship. Is he happy in the relationship? Do I want the butterflies? Do I need the butterflies. The need to be so conected to a person that there is a desire to make that person proud of you at all times. Acheivements, etc. I felt that with Roy, and Richard, the 2 men I've loved before PAtrick. But as I was telling Tiffany last night, I don't know what happens after the honeymoon phase.

I guess I also ahve to ask myself, Am i truly in love? Is PAt the man I was meant to be with? TIffany said to me....If you're in a relationship and you keep asking "Why am I with this guy?" you don't need to be there. I don't ask everday but I do ask myself sometimes, "Why is he with me?"

Ah well, I'll keep praying and keep waiting and trust that God will guide me towards the right decision.

Last night, I prayed myself to sleep. I cried to my mother who gave me advice of course....
Pray and don't lose heart. Keep your mind in a positive place.
So, I followed her advice and prayed myself to sleep with my bible on my chest.
Now today, my favourit quote is

"Wait on the Lord, be of good courage and He will strengthen thine heart."
So of course this leads me to think. That means I must trust in Him.
If you wait on someone, you are trusting that they will actually show up!
Even if you feel like you're waiting too long, and they will stand you up. The act of waiting involves believing that what you are waiting for will actually come to pass.
Of course, the one person you can wait on and be sure will show up is God Himself.
So I've decided that I will continue to pray myself to sleep.
Wait on Him and not think so much. Just focus my thoughts more on Him since HE better than anyone knows the thoughts of my heart.

I must be some kind of masochist

I seem to be on this really weird rollercoaster these days. I know that God has a purpose for me but someitmes, I still feel a little bit lost, even lonely sometimes. I'm in love with a man who isn't available, and I'm not even sure if he loves me. I remember praying to god and asking him to let me know who he was when i saw him. I thought that was Roy, maybe that's why I feel so confused and lost at times. I thought that he was the one sent for me and it clearly wasn't true. So I guess, my faith in my instincts that I believe to be God inspired are a little shaken. I realise now, that I had no place in Roy's world. My spirit is a little to free and too explorative I guess.

Now I'm with Pat, and I have no idea if he's the one for me. Am I nuts? Somtimes I think that I think too much. Maybe I should just stp being so hard on myself. at times I think that maybe I should just stop, and star over. but what would be the point. Start somewhere completely new.
New environment, new people, and then start over from scratch.

I have to keep telling myself, God loves me and is wise, truly wise and is doing what is best for me. all these feelings I'm feeling etc. I have for a reason. I trust that eventually, I figure things out but some reason, I feel lost and sad even though I know that He is there. why is that. Sometimes i think that the depression I feel has something to do with my brain. It's almost like my spirit and mind don't agree.

Sometimes I think or wish that I could just start over completely. New friends, new life, but that would be a cop out. I guess part of my problem is that I'm not completely happ in my relationship. I see qualities that I want in a man in him but at the same time, I stil feel to some degree that something is missing and I don't know what it is. We could continue in a relationship for a long time and be content and probably never fight etc. but at the same time, I would probably allways have in the back of my mind that i settled. Is this true.

Sometimes I think i should just stop thinking so much, do like Denis and just enjoy the art of dating. This is crazy, just when I think that I have come to a conclusion, I fal back into this weird place, where I'm typing to this blog in tears because I'm soo confused and lost. I gues part of my problem is that Pat treats me well but I need to feel like someone's queen. and he doesn't exactly know how to do that.

I must be some kind of masochist

I seem to be on this really weird rollercoaster these days. I know that God has a purpose for me but someitmes, I still feel a little bit lost, even lonely sometimes. I'm in love with a man who isn't available, and I'm not even sure if he loves me. I remember praying to god and asking him to let me know who he was when i saw him. I thought that was Roy, maybe that's why I feel so confused and lost at times. I thought that he was the one sent for me and it clearly wasn't true. So I guess, my faith in my instincts that I believe to be God inspired are a little shaken. I realise now, that I had no place in Roy's world. My spirit is a little to free and too explorative I guess.

Now I'm with Pat, and I have no idea if he's the one for me. Am I nuts? Somtimes I think that I think too much. Maybe I should just stp being so hard on myself. at times I think that maybe I should just stop, and star over. but what would be the point. Start somewhere completely new.
New environment, new people, and then start over from scratch.

I have to keep telling myself, God loves me and is wise, truly wise and is doing what is best for me. all these feelings I'm feeling etc. I have for a reason. I trust that eventually, I figure things out but some reason, I feel lost and sad even though I know that He is there. why is that. Sometimes i think that the depression I feel has something to do with my brain. It's almost like my spirit and mind don't agree.

Sometimes I think or wish that I could just start over completely. New friends, new life, but that would be a cop out. I guess part of my problem is that I'm not completely happ in my relationship. I see qualities that I want in a man in him but at the same time, I stil feel to some degree that something is missing and I don't know what it is. We could continue in a relationship for a long time and be content and probably never fight etc. but at the same time, I would probably allways have in the back of my mind that i settled. Is this true.

Sometimes I think i should just stop thinking so much, do like Denis and just enjoy the art of dating. This is crazy, just when I think that I have come to a conclusion, I fal back into this weird place, where I'm typing to this blog in tears because I'm soo confused and lost. I gues part of my problem is that Pat treats me well but I need to feel like someone's queen. and he doesn't exactly know how to do that.

Mine was the Last Heart You Broke

Mine was the last heart you broke.
Should I consider it an honour?
A priveledge?
A relief?
Relief knowing that it won't happen to some other unsuspecting woman?
You're off the market. It's a pot of simmering feelings.
Shock, happiness, sadness, fear.
All blending into one thick strange but somewhat delicious soup.

Was I the rebound chick?
Am I with the rebound guy?
NO..., but he is the result of a rebound project.
Did I cheat my guy of a healthy heart for months?
I feel like I did.
I know that I don't want to feel like the heartbroken woman anymore.
Why is it that the hearbreakers move on so much easier and find what they were looking for.

And the heartbroken end up spending time trying to figure out, reassessing what in heaven's name they should be looking for.

But in the end, aren't we all heart breakers and the heart broken?
In the end though, mine was the last heart you broke and I am no longer in anger.
Isn't it amazing how close a word it is to anger.
I'm no longer in danger of the anger.
No longer in danger of being broken by you again.

computers and brains

Sheesh, My brain is in overdrive these days. I'm exhausted with all my though processes. Why can't I be a computer and shut down at a moments notice with on ly the essentials to keep my body alive? The good thing is that I've come to some conclusions though.

I did discover that I'm in love with my boyfriend. I think I was too busy with my head up my ass and expecting heart skips, and constant fireworks. Then I realised, what's wrong with being perfectly happy and comfortable. I was so used to being in this wacky honeymoon phase that I almost missed it. It's crazy how it took that dude getting married and havign a kid to make me realise that hey, instead of thinking but he wasn't the one for me...waaah...

It simply means that I belong with someone else! I was driving myself nuts because I wanted to be well on my way to marriage and kids at this phase even though I know that I'm not prepared for that yet.

Today, I printed out some things that I always loved as verses and now they now stick on my desk. Psalm 8 and Aedh Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven (William Butler Yeats). such beautiful verses. I do feel like that these days though. "Oh Lord, Our Lord, how excellent is thy name in all the earth". God is just so interesting and amazing and wise, "Wait on the Lord, be of good courage and he will strengthen thine heart". The cloths of heaven by Yeats is awesome, here is someone who puts everything he has (which is just his dreams) knowing full well that there is a risk that the person wil trample all over his dream. It's kinda like, I can't give you want you want, but can give you what I have. it's just a matter of don't trample all over them if you don't want them just give it back. "Tread softly, because you tread on my dreams"

By back can no longer support my ass!

Man, when did I let myself go so badly?

I am developing a gut! My stomach is normally the one place where I don't gain weight and now I"m beginning there is a bit o flab forming there!! This will not do. It supposed to be the one body part that doesn't have suff flying!!

My boyfriedn blss his hear tells me when I complain about my back. It doesn't have strength to caryr my ass! Don't get me wrong. He is very appreciative of my derriere. But i gues you hacve to see me to understand. My bak is a bt on the small side. Need to get my arse to the gym. Cause next thing u know I'll be 30 have kids and then after that it's over. Cause if the abs aren't there before hand, things don't quite snap back so well.

Ah well...that's all my thoughts for the day.

So much has changed in so little time. A very good friend of mine passed away. Just like that. Gone in a car accident. I keep telling myself that I am very fortunate that I have lived this long without seeing death staring me in the face. It's bound to happen sometime. Sometimes I wonder if it makes sense to wonder if he would have been okay had he been wearing his seatbelt.I just have to keep reminding myself that God was ready for him at that precise moment and nothing, be it a seatbelt, or anything else would have stopped God from taking his sould from his body.

I also got a little closure today. ON what you wonder....well I kinda feel relived and sad. Someone again who shall remain nameless is now married with a baby on the way. Why I feel a little sad, I guess in the back of my head at the time, I thought it would be me. but then again, yours truly is not ready for the pitter patter of little feet just yet. It's amazing how smart God is...my heart was broken when he decided to disappear but now I'm beginning to see how wise God is. I would have had to change somethings about myself probably, that I wouldnt' want to. and I would have had to conform to some beliefs that I just don't agree with. one of us would have and me being to nice it prolly would have been me.

I think now, for some sick egotistical reason hoped that he missed me or something like that. I joined one of these networks and we wrote a nice little testimonial...oh "you go girl". felt like a pat on the head. Sometimes i feel a little angry because I let my guard down and let him in in a way that no one has ever since. I feel to some degree that I'm somewhat cheating my current boyfriend of the privelege because I can't seem to let my guard down and I don't know how to do it again. (or don't have the enerygy).

LOL, I swear sometimes I think I need a shrink!! but then this is free and no one sees it and I still feel like it's out there in the universe. This is wws (world wide shrink). LOL

I also found out that my cousin is very ill int he hospital. I pray as often as I remember that he pulls through but I have to keep telling myself that I have faith in God's wisdom whatever the outcome. Even though I'm a little bit of a funk, I definitely do feel better that I did when I started this blog. I just pray that when my time comes, that we will build a happy life together. I remember one thing I told my first love I was most afraid of was Being like my mother.

Ah well, can't be all that bad right? I guess my problem is that with my current boyfriend, as sweet and as fine as he is. I never had that heart skipping experience. with him it's always been easyand comfortable. Maybe I have the worng interpretations of what it should be or look like.